Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone Condensed!
by Professor Bumblebore
Summary: Bringing the magical world of Harry Potter to those of us with short attention spans! Don't have time to read through 309 pages? Never fear! Professor Bumblebore has worked tirelessly to present a concise version of this beloved classic!
1. Snakes and Cakes

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone: The Condensed Version  
  
MR AND MRS DURSLEY: We don't hold with rubbish, thank you very much!  
  
MRS DURSLEY: Look at all the nonsense in the world today, flying motorcycles, baggy jeans, power tools, CDs...  
  
MR DURSLEY: Quite right! I'll keep my eight-tracks any day of the week! Young muddleheads these days, never appreciating the power of Barry Manilow. What is this world coming to?  
  
DUDLEY DURSLEY: Oh, a butterfly! Must pull its wings off.  
  
HARRY POTTER: Hi.  
  
THE DURSLEYS: SHUT UP!  
  
HARRY POTTER: Right. I'll just go back in my cupboard here.  
  
MRS DURSLEY: Too right you will. Oh no! Mrs. Figg's gone and been arrested for breaking the city ordinance on cats....I fear Harry will have to come along with us to Dudley's birthday party at the zoo.  
  
HARRY: SCORE!  
  
THE DURSLEYS: SHUT UP!  
  
DUDLEY: But...but.....my friends will never understand the insurmountable burden of being related to a disproportionately pacified sop like Harry!  
  
[at the zoo]  
  
DUDLEY: But....the snake isn't *doing* anything! It's just sitting there like some non-sentient reptilian beast! The nerve!  
  
HARRY: What an ironic situation, what with your being caged serving as a metaphor for my pathetic, regulated existence under the oppressive rule of the Dursleys!  
  
SNAKE: I always thought my role was more demonstrative of the cruel world of zoos and how the importation of indigenous creatures into captivity proves--  
  
DUDLEY: Look! The snake is debating ethics in the animal kingdom!  
  
HARRY: Wouldn't it be great if you two could join in a discussion of the role of politics in the breeding of animals in captivity?  
  
DUDLEY: Yeah, that would be co--  
  
*splash*  
  
DUDLEY: AAHH! Where did the glass go? My grasp on what is tangible has been irrevocably marred! AAAHH! THE PHYSICAL WORLD IS ALL AN ILLUSION!  
  
HARRY: Well, there go my Playstation privileges.  
  
THE DURSLEYS: DUDDY-KINS!  
  
DUDLEY: O, that I should be born in this twisted world!  
  
THE DURSLEYS: [to Harry] CLOSET! GO! NOW!  
  
HARRY: Better to come in the closet than out, I say.  
  
DUDLEY: I must retire to my bedroom and grieve over the tragedy that is my pained existence in such an uncivilized world.  
  
------------  
  
MR DURSLEY: Time for a seaside retreat!  
  
DUDLEY: But.........NOVA is on!  
  
MR DURSLEY: Chop chop! Time is money! Don't count your chickens before they hatch! A stitch in time saves nine!   
  
DUDLEY: *bangs head on table*  
  
MRS DURSLEY: Aw, he's excited!  
  
-----------  
  
MRS DURSLEY: Dear, are you sure you know the way?  
  
MR DURSLEY: YES! Now hand me the crisps!  
  
MRS DURSLEY: But dear, weren't we supposed to turn on Green and Fifth?  
  
MR DURSLEY: I KNOW WHERE I'M GOING!  
  
MRS DURSLEY: Are you sure you don't want to ask directions?  
  
MR DURSLEY: I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE!  
  
MRS DURSLEY: But if we're lost--  
  
MR DURSLEY: WE! ARE! NOT! LOST!  
  
DUDLEY: [mutters under his breath].....typical egotistical patriarch afraid of showing his weakness or vulnerability........oppresion.......infantile......plebians....  
  
----------  
  
MR DURSLEY: We're here!  
  
DUDLEY: ....  
  
HARRY: ....  
  
MRS DURSLEY: ....  
  
MR DURSLEY: Oh come now, Blackpool was too crowded.  
  
DUDLEY: [fondly] I bet they're discussing quarks tonight...  
  
---------  
  
[Late at night]  
  
HARRY: Happy 11th Birthday to me!  
  
BANG!  
  
DUDLEY: STEPHEN HAWKING ON A DIVING BOARD, WHAT WAS THAT?  
  
THE DURSLEYS: AAAHHH! CHILD PROTECTION SERVICES!  
  
HAGRID: Hi folks!  
  
THE DURSLEYS: AAHHH! A BIG TALL MAN WITH LOTS OF HAIR! AAHHH!  
  
HAGRID: *weeps* Oh, the humanity! Can't you see past the unconventional exterior to the heart within? Oh wait, that's later on......my bad. Anyway, Harry, happy birthday!  
  
HARRY: Who are yo--CAKE!  
  
DUDLEY: CAKE!  
  
HAGRID: Not for you, fattie!   
  
[a pig's tail appears on Dudley]  
  
DUDLEY: O, my tortured soul! [runs away]  
  
THE DURSLEYS: Ahhh!  
  
HAGRID: Right, well I'm a man on a mission!  
  
THE DURSLEYS: Noooooooo!  
  
HARRY: What?  
  
HAGRID: Well, it's time for Hogwarts.  
  
HARRY: No thanks, I just had cake.  
  
HAGRID: Haha, funny.  
  
HARRY: I try.  
  
HAGRID: I assume you're ready to go?  
  
HARRY: Go where?  
  
HAGRID: YE DIDN'T TELL EM ABOUT ANYTHING?  
  
HARRY: ....  
  
HAGRID: YE MEAN HE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING?  
  
HARRY: Well that's a bit of an exaggeration! I can do science and math and..  
  
HAGRID: What's the square root of 169?  
  
HARRY: 13.  
  
HAGRID: What's the first four decimal places of pi?  
  
HARRY: Point one four one five.  
  
HAGRID: What's two plus two?  
  
HARRY: Twenty-two.  
  
HAGRID: But....you don't know about your parents?  
  
HARRY: ...  
  
THE DURSLEYS: AAAACCCCKKKKK..........  
  
HAGRID: Harry, you're a wizard!  
  
HARRY: Am not!  
  
HAGRID: Are too!  
  
HARRY: Am not! Or am I?  
  
HAGRID: Are not!  
  
HARRY: Ha!  
  
HAGRID: Curses. Foiled again.  
  
HARRY: Mmm, cake.  
  
HAGRID: Really though, you are a wizard. Do things ever happen when you're sad or mad, things you can't help?  
  
HARRY: Well I was looking at Susie Renton once and my--  
  
HAGRID: No, not that! Other stuff! Weird stuff!  
  
HARRY: Oh. Well, I changed the mayor into an attractive lamp once.  
  
HAGRID: Ha! See?  
  
HARRY: Oh. Neat-o!  
  
THE DURSLEYS: No! We swore we'd make you normal when you ended up on our doorstep!  
  
HARRY: You KNEW?  
  
THE DURSLEYS: You think other parental guardians get letters home saying their charge transformed a public official into a CHANDELIER?  
  
HARRY: IT WAS A TABLE LAMP!  
  
THE DURSLEYS: No! We're not paying for his education!  
  
HAGRID: Have ye never heard of the public schooling system? Crazy Muggles!  
  
THE DURSLEYS: Will he disappear forever?  
  
HAGRID: Well, eight or nine months of the year.  
  
THE DURSLEYS: Oh. Well then!  
  
HARRY: Score!  
  
THE DURSLEYS: SHUT U--Er, sorry. Habit.  
  
HAGRID: Right. Well, about your parents...  
  
HARRY: Whatchoo say 'bout my momma?  
  
HAGRID: .....  
  
HARRY: Sorry. Continue.  
  
HAGRID: Right. So, once, there was a wizard who went bad.  
  
HARRY: Like, Rush Limbaugh bad?  
  
HAGRID: Richard Simmons bad.  
  
EVERYONE: [collective shudder]  
  
HAGRID: So anyway, this wizard gets a lot of followers, and they start killing people. After a long time he--  
  
HARRY: Who exactly is he?  
  
HAGRID: Oh, don't make me say the name!  
  
HARRY: Why?  
  
HAGRID: Oh fine.  
  
HARRY: ...  
  
HAGRID: Voldemort. AACCCKKK!!!   
  
HARRY: Right.  
  
HAGRID:..........big......open.......spaces.....bunny rabbits......big, open spaces....  
  
HARRY: So after Vol--Bad Guy started killing people, then what?  
  
HAGRID: Well, he killed your parents.  
  
HARRY: I thought it was a car crash!  
  
HAGRID: CAR CRASH? YOUR PARENTS WERE GREAT WIZARDS! THEY ALWAYS BUCKLED UP! CAR CRASH??  
  
HARRY: [cough]  
  
HAGRID: So anyway, after he killed yer parents, he tried to kill you. And he couldn't! You stopped him somehow!  
  
HARRY: Super ninja powers?  
  
MRS DURSLEY: Bah! Did you ever change his diapers? He was right to stay away. The smell alone would have broken anyone.  
  
HAGRID: Anyway, Harry broke his power somehow, and he went away and the sun came out and the mountains were made of rock candy and I won the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!  
  
HARRY: LIAR!  
  
HAGRID: WHAT?  
  
HARRY: No one ever wins the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!  
  
HAGRID: .....well, now you have to go to wizarding school.  
  
HARRY: Coooool.  
  
HAGRID: Hold on, must send Dumbledore the headmaster an owl.  
  
HARRY: An owl?  
  
HAGRID: It's how wizards communicate.  
  
HARRY: Why not use email? It's faster and easier on those with allergies.  
  
HAGRID: AAAHH! MUGGLE INVENTION! EEEEVIL!  
  
HARRY: Can I go to bed?  
  
HAGRID: Sure. 


	2. Across, Down, and Diagon Alley

[The next day]  
  
HARRY: The seaside locations are alive with the sound of--  
  
[tap tap tap]  
  
HARRY: HAGRID! There's an owl outside the window!   
  
DUDLEY (OC): No there isn't!  
  
HARRY: How do you know!  
  
DUDLEY: They're nocturnal! Owls aren't morning glories, you plebian! NOCTURNAL, I TELL YOU!  
  
HARRY: Hagrid, it's holding a newspaper!  
  
DUDLEY: No it isn't!  
  
HAGRID: Give it some money. It wants payment for the newspaper.  
  
DUDLEY: Doesn't!  
  
HAGRID: Want some matching ears to go with that pig's tail?  
  
[silence]  
  
HAGRID: Best be setting off.  
  
HARRY: Can I have some breakfast?  
  
HAGRID: Have some cake.  
  
HARRY: Wheeeee! Cool powers, secret worlds, lax nutritional values....wizards are the best!  
  
HAGRID: *belch*  
  
HARRY: So, we stopping by Neiman Marcus or Bloomie's? There's a lovely sweater set I saw at this little boutique just off the corner of--  
  
HAGRID: We're going to Diagon Alley, of course!  
  
HARRY: Oooh, some hip, trendy new designer?  
  
HAGRID: ....I'm beginning to worry about that time you spent in the closet.  
  
HARRY: [cough] So, where's this Diagon Alley, eh?  
  
HAGRID: Well, we're going to stop in at the Leaky Cauldron. Famous place! Then it's off to get your school supplies. Check the list.  
  
HARRY: Robes.....hat........gloves......cauldron.......Cher tapes?  
  
HAGRID: Er, got to pick up something for Dumbledore.  
  
HARRY: ...  
  
HAGRID: Right, here we are!  
  
HARRY: Bit of a dump, isn't it?  
  
HAGRID: Best be going now!  
  
RANDOM WIZARD: Hey! You're Harry Potter! Sign my kid's book, please!  
  
RANDOM WITCH: [flashes Harry]  
  
HARRY: AHHHHHHHHCCCCCHHHHH!  
  
HAGRID: [taps random bricks on the wall out back]  
  
HARRY: Why does that tapping sound suspiciously like the bass line to a Spice Girls song?  
  
HAGRID: Oh look, Diagon Alley!  
  
HARRY: SPIFFY! Look at all that stuff.....ew, squishy.   
  
HAGRID: Best not touch that. Last fellow who did, well, I heard he ended up begging the Apothecary for some er.....'magic' enhancer.  
  
HARRY: Ouch. So, Hagrid.....I'm poor.   
  
HAGRID: Are not.  
  
HARRY: Really? YESSS!  
  
HAGRID: Here we are, Gringotts bank.  
  
HARRY: Wow. Are those goblins?  
  
HAGRID: Yep. Run the whole thing. Wouldn't want to cross them.  
  
HARRY: So why haven't the goblins just staged a revolt and stolen all the money?  
  
RANDOM GOBLIN: What was that?  
  
HAGRID: Nothing!  
  
GRIPHOOK: Follow me.  
  
HARRY: Are we blindingly following a rather ugly creature miles below the surface of the Earth on a rickety cart?  
  
HAGRID: Yes.  
  
HARRY: Just making sure we're on the same page.  
  
GRIPHOOK: Here we are!  
  
HARRY: SCORE! I'M TOTALLY LOADED!  
  
HAGRID: Here, let me get you some for the year..  
  
GRIPHOOK: Now, onto the Big Tall Man's vault.  
  
HAGRID: [nervous]  
  
HARRY: What's that you slipped in your pocket just now?  
  
HAGRID: Eh? Oh.....uh....pocketwatch. Time to go shopping!  
  
[exeunt HAGRID and HARRY]  
  
RANDOM GOBLIN: Hey guys, that one kid with the messy hair had an idea just now...  
  
---------  
  
HAGRID: So, I have to go get wildly dru---I have to recover from that wild ride. I'll be at the Leaky Cauldron. Go get some robes over there!  
  
HARRY: Er...okay.  
  
MADAM MALKIN: Here for your robes? Just stand over there with the young man serving perfectly as a physical and emotional juxtaposition to yourself!  
  
DRACO MALFOY: Hello.   
  
HARRY: Hi.  
  
DRACO: Muggles suck. People from Muggle families suck. Were your parents Muggles?  
  
HARRY: No.  
  
DRACO: Good. Don't like the others. Well. See you at Hogwarts. I 'spect I'll be in Slytherin. Whole family's been in there for ages.  
  
HARRY: [vague nod]  
  
MADAM MALKIN: There you go! All done!  
  
HARRY: I don't like him!  
  
HAGRID: Who?  
  
HARRY: Draco Malfoy, the boy in there!  
  
HAGRID: Ew. Malfoy.   
  
HARRY: He went on about all this stuff I didn't know about, and....  
  
HAGRID: I bought you an owl! Happy Birthday!  
  
HARRY: Woo-hoo! I'll name her Hedwig!  
  
PEOPLE WHO HAVE SEEN HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH: [snicker]  
  
HARRY: What's that noise?  
  
HAGRID: Sorry. Well, here's yer ticket. See you at Hogwarts!   
  
HARRY: Say wha-- Where'd he go?  
  
---------  
  
HARRY: Uncle, can you take me to King's Cross Station tomorrow?  
  
MR DURSLEY: Yes.  
  
HARRY: Oh. Thanks.  
  
--------  
  
HARRY: Okay, Platform 9 3/4. Hey..where is it?  
  
MUGGLE: What are you on? There's no Platform 9 3/4!  
  
HARRY: Oh dear.  
  
RANDOM WOMAN: Packed with Muggles...  
  
HARRY: Hurrah! Excuse me Random Witch, how do I get through the barrier?  
  
RANDOM WOMAN: Oh! Hallo there, dear! 4/7 of my brethren are off to Hogwarts as well! Watch them!  
  
[BRETHREN run through the wall]  
  
RON: Hi! I'm new to Hogwarts this year too.  
  
HARRY: Cool. Hi.  
  
[HARRY runs through the barrier]  
  
HARRY: Oooh....big red train.  
  
-------  
  
[on train]  
  
RON: Mind if I sit here?  
  
HARRY: No problem.  
  
[insert MALE BONDING]  
  
HERMIONE GRANGER: Hi! I'm smarter than you!  
  
RON: ...  
  
HERMIONE: Well.....bye now!  
  
DRACO: Hey you again.  
  
HARRY: Hey.  
  
DRACO: So, you're Harry Potter?  
  
HARRY: Yes.  
  
DRACO: Don't hang with him, he's rubbish.  
  
RON: [loathe]  
  
HARRY: I can figure it out for myself, thanks.  
  
RON: Yeah! I mean....hey......wait a minute!  
  
DRACO: Losers.  
  
RON: Bugger off!  
  
CRABBE AND GOYLE: [raise fists]  
  
SCABBERS: [chomp]  
  
CRABBE OR GOYLE: Ahh! Your rat bit me!  
  
SCABBERS: [falls asleep]  
  
RON: Haha. Wow, my rat sucks!  
  
[exeunt DRACO, CRABBE, GOYLE]  
  
HARRY: Hey, we're here! How's my hair?  
  
---------- 


	3. LowFat Quidditch

And now it's time for the SUPER-ULTRA-CONDENSED HARRY POTTER!  
  
SINGING HAT: Hi! You go into the Gryffindor house!  
  
HARRY: Hey, I'm in the same house as Ron and Hermione!  
  
RON: Hey, someone broke into Gringotts on your birthday!  
  
HARRY: They broke into the vault Hagrid emptied while I was there!  
  
[sound of Foreshadowing flying in]  
  
PROFESSOR SNAPE: I don't like you, Potter.  
  
MADAM HOOCH: Today we start our flying lessons. Be carefu--  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM: AAAAHHH! I'm flying away! I'm going to land hundreds of miles away and be eaten by Alsatians!  
  
[NEVILLE falls off broom with sickening crunch]  
  
HOOCH: Don't move, any of you!  
  
MALFOY: Whee! I have Neville's magic thingy! [zooms around on broomstick]  
  
HARRY: Gimme that! WHEEE! Flying is fun!  
  
MALFOY: Catch!  
  
HARRY: Time for a spectacular dive!  
  
[HARRY does a spectacular dive]  
  
PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL: Oh my broomstick, Potter, I'm putting you on the Quidditch team!  
  
HARRY: How do you play Quidditch?  
  
OLIVER WOOD: Hi! I'm the team captain for Gryffindor. There's lots of rules for Quidditch, which is like throwing soccer, basketball, and rugby in a stew, boiling them together, letting them simmer for fifteen minutes, adding rosemary, eating, and throwing it all back up again!  
  
HARRY: Lovely.  
  
WOOD: But all that matters is that you catch this--the golden Snitch!  
  
HARRY: Whee! I'm really good!  
  
WOOD: Indeed. Woo-ha! We're gonna win the House Cup this year!  
  
[Foreshadowing makes a squawky noise in the back row]  
  
-------  
  
HARRY: Hey Ron, let's you and me sneak around tonight!  
  
HERMIONE: Hey, you two! I have to come along too!  
  
HARRY AND RON: Why?  
  
HERMIONE: [sigh] Oh *honestly*. Everyone knows you have to go on dangerous adventures with little or no protection and the threat of great bodily harm in THREES!  
  
HARRY AND RON: Oh yeah! Let's go in the corridor we were specifically told not to enter.  
  
FLUFFY THE THREE HEADED DOG: Growl! Arr! Drool!  
  
HARRY AND RON AND HERMIONE: AAAAAHHHHHHH! RUN AWAY! RETREEEEEAAAT!  
  
HERMIONE: It was standing on a trapdoor!  
  
RON: I'm going to be ill, I think.  
  
----------  
  
PROFESSOR QUIRRELL: TROLL! IN THE DUNGEONS!  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Don't panic!  
  
STUDENTS: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! PANIC!  
  
HARRY AND RON: Hey, isn't Hermione in the dungeon?  
  
---------  
  
TROLL: Grunt! Rrrr!   
  
HARRY: Well, someone's in a bad mood because they didn't exfoliate this morning!  
  
RON:....  
  
HARRY: Hey look, it's heading toward Hermione!  
  
TROLL: Grunt!  
  
HARRY: You know if you used a milk-based cleanser, it could really start to heal that dry skin of yours. May I suggest--  
  
TROLL: GRUNT!  
  
HARRY: AAAHH! TALL DISGRUNTLED CREATURE IN SERIOUS NEED OF A DERMATOLOGIST'S CONSULTATION CHASING AFTER ME WITH A CLUB!  
  
BANG! ZAP! BOOM! WHAP! BOOSH! BING! ZIP! FOOSH!  
  
PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL: What's going on here?  
  
HERMIONE: They saved me!  
  
MCGONAGALL: Good show! Here, have some house points!  
  
HARRY AND RON: Score!  
  
---------  
  
WOOD: Time for Quidditch!  
  
HARRY: Aaaahhh! My broomstick is moving! WHYY???   
  
HERMIONE: Aaah! Snape's jinxing the broom!  
  
RON: That sucks. Lemme go get the mattress and run under Harry.  
  
HERMIONE: I got a better idea!  
  
[HERMIONE lights SNAPE on fire, knocks over QUIRRELL]  
  
HARRY: Woo! That was clo--ACKH!  
  
HAGRID: Did Harry just swallow a bug?  
  
HARRY: Oooh! The Snitch!  
  
HOOCH: Gryffindor wins!  
  
STUDENTS: Hurray!  
  
--------  
  
CHRISTMAS  
  
HARRY: Oooh, presents!  
  
RON: What'd you get?  
  
HARRY: A bulky sweater from your mom, candy, an Invisibility Cloak, and a subscription to Martha Stewart Living! Best. Christmas. Ever.  
  
----------  
  
HARRY: Let's go sneaking dangerously around the castle!  
  
RON: Okay!  
  
[HARRY and RON sneak around the castle]  
  
DRACO: I'm telling!  
  
MCGONAGALL: I'm giving all three of you detention!  
  
----------  
  
HAGRID: Welcome to the Forbidden Forest. Something's hurting the unicorns, time to find what it is!  
  
HARRY: And you're letting 11 year olds do this why?  
  
DRACO: AAAHHH! SOMETHING MILDLY SCARY! AAAAHHH! RUN AWAY!  
  
HARRY: Voldemort? Is that you?  
  
SOMETHING MILDLY SCARY: [flies away]  
  
HARRY: Why don't you call? ONE NIGHT AND YOU JUST DISAPPEAR COMPLETELY? I NEVER HEARD OF YOU AGAIN! WE HAVE ISSUES! COME BACK! I'M SCARRED EMOTIONALLY TOO, YOU KNOW!  
  
HAGRID: I think it's time for decaf, Harry. 


	4. A Tidy, Slightly Smelly Ending

HERMIONE: I figured it out! The Sorcerer's Stone is down the trapdoor!  
  
RON AND HARRY: [blank expressions]  
  
HERMIONE: It makes people immortal and turns metal to gold.  
  
RON AND HARRY: Neat-o!  
  
HARRY: I met Voldemort in the forest. He's probably planning like, a return or something.  
  
RON: Well that sucks.  
  
HERMIONE: But what are you going to do?  
  
HARRY: Well Snape's mean and nasty and therefore must be in cahoots with Vol--  
  
RON: Did you just say cahoots?  
  
HARRY: It's a Muggle say--  
  
HERMIONE: Continue.  
  
HARRY: Well, Snape's obviously going to go down the trapdoor, so I figured I'd head him off.  
  
HERMIONE: You're eleven.  
  
HARRY: So?  
  
HERMIONE: Let's go then.  
  
------------  
  
HARRY: Hey look, a bunch of tests set up by the teachers that we, as average 11 year olds can pass!  
  
HERMIONE: So were they expecting to block Dark Wizards?  
  
HARRY: Maybe if said Dark Wizards were 6.  
  
HERMIONE: Hey, by some COMPLETELY unexpected plot twists, you have to go face Snape and Voldemort alone! Have fun!  
  
HARRY: I will! See you in a bit.  
  
--------  
  
HARRY: Quirrell? What'd you do with Snape?  
  
QUIRRELL: Well nothing too serious, there was a closet and----oh. I'M THE BAD GUY, you silly! You couldn't tell from my aggressive demeanor?  
  
HARRY:.....  
  
QUIRRELL: Stunned into silence! MUAHAH! It is working!  
  
HARRY: No, I'm just still thoroughly squicked out at the thought of you and Snape.  
  
QUIRRELL: Hold on, my Master wants to talk to you. [unwraps turban]  
  
HARRY: Wow. Someone has distance issues!  
  
VOLDEMORT: Find me the Sorcerer's Stone!  
  
HARRY: Don't have it.   
  
VOLDEMORT: Oh damn.  
  
HARRY: Oh look a mirror! Ugh, my hair is SUCH a mess...  
  
[HARRY'S REFLECTION slips the Sorcerer's Stone into Harry's pocket]  
  
HARRY: Hoo, that tickles!  
  
VOLDEMORT: What does?  
  
HARRY: When--uh...your great sense of evil overwhelms my goodhearted tendencies.  
  
VOLDEMORT: You flatter.  
  
HARRY: [tittering laugh]  
  
VOLDEMORT: So you're sure you don't know where the stone is?  
  
HARRY: No idea.  
  
VOLDEMORT: Oh well. You know, Quirrell's really ugly. Gonna go.  
  
HARRY: So I see how it is! Use em and leave em! COMMITMENT PHOBIC!  
  
QUIRRELL: Feeling.......faint.........too much.....angst.....  
  
HARRY: Need a tissue?  
  
QUIRRELL: [breaks out into boils]  
  
HARRY: Ugh what is that SMELL? I feel...[passes out]  
  
-------  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Wake up Harry!   
  
HARRY: Ooh baby I like the way you mo--Oh. Where am I?  
  
DUMBLEDORE: The hospital ward. You won!  
  
HARRY: Won what?  
  
DUMBLEDORE: The Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!  
  
HARRY: No way! No one ever wins those!  
  
DUMBLEDORE: You're right. Just kidding!  
  
HARRY:...  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Anyway, your mother died to save you and so you were marked with her love, marking you untouchable to Quirrell.  
  
HARRY: Nice way to wrap up the storyline! Hey I'm hungry, any food in this castle?  
  
DUMBLEDORE: There's a feast.  
  
HARRY: WOO!  
  
[HARRY and DUMBLEDORE go to the feast]  
  
DUMBLEDORE: It is now time to arbitrarily hand out points thus ensuring Gryffindor wins the House Cup!  
  
GRYFFINDORS: Hurray!  
  
DRACO: No!  
  
HARRY: Whee!  
  
-------  
  
THE DURSLEYS: Oh god, you.  
  
HARRY: Oh god, you.  
  
RON AND HERMIONE: Byee!  
  
HARRY: See you next year! 


End file.
